I'm Back, Baby
Let’s get personal.
I have found myself again.
Let me explain.
With my first pregnancy I was beyond excited. I was looking forward to giving birth to my daughter. I wasn’t afraid of the process, of the pain, of anything. I believed in my body’s ability to birth my child.
I was the type of person who wanted to be informed. I read as much as I could about all the different options. I wanted to be an active participant in my birth experience, instead of a passive bystander.
But once we lost Autumn, that all changed. I didn’t lose only my daughter (as though it’s “only” the loss of a child, and not the loss of literally everything), but I lost my confidence and my belief in my body’s ability to carry and birth my baby. Despite the fact that it wasn’t my body that caused her death (let’s be honest, it never is anyway), deep down I believed that somehow my body had failed me. Had failed her. My confidence in birth was shattered. My self-identity was distorted. My womanhood was questioned.
So when I got pregnant again I was fearful. I didn’t trust my body to keep my baby safe. Hell, I didn’t trust my baby not to die. That is mostly way I chose to have an elective cesarean. I wanted to take all the power away from my stupid, faulty body and give it to someone else. Clearly I wasn’t cut out for this pregnancy and birth thing, I had learned that the hardest way possible.
Fast forward to 6 months after birth with my subsequent daughter and I made the decision to pursue birth work - something I had always had an interest in (did you know I had considered becoming a midwife at one point?). My heart was healing. I was starting to feel like the old version of me again....the one who believed that I intuitively know how to birth. Ironically enough, I had never lost the belief that OTHER women knew how to birth their babies, it was clearly just me who couldn’t do it.
It was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Not only did it light a passionate fire under my ass, but slowly it brought ME back. It helped to heal those wounds that had shattered my identity and my womanhood.
I’m ready to try this again, my way. Every time I think about having another baby I find those old fears are subsiding. It surprises me every time I overcome one. I’m not 100% there yet, but I hope to be. I’m looking forward to another pregnancy, to being present in it, to trusting in my body, and to birthing my way again.
So here’s to jumping in feet first.
Your friendly doula and birth photographer who IS BACK, BABY!